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Thursday, June 8th, 2006

Subject:Coming Clean
Posted by:ssjgohan103.
Time:6:24 pm.
Okay Lauren, here's the deal. I trust you right now and I know that you love me undoubtedly. I know that you want to be with me forever as I do for you.
For this reason, if I want to be able to face Brian and confidently tell him that he's full of shit, I need to know everything. I mean absolutely everything. Everything that you thought would hurt me and didn't want to tell me even though you said you had told me everything.
I need to know everything that Brian is going to say. I can't be blindsided by him. I also need to know everything that you think he won't say. I've been completely clean with you for a long time and you said you were clean with me. Unfortunately your email as told me that that is not the case. I need this Lauren. Please just tell me, okay?
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Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:9:30 pm.
I wrote you a very important letter. but basically, it says this: I love you. I've fucked up in the past. I'm so different from that person now you wouldn't even recognize me. I lost weight since you left and you're gonna like it. I love you. I love you. I want to be engaged to you, and my parents are behind me if that's what we decide. They'll even give you my heirloom ring :-D

haha but no pressure, in all honesty. I just thought you should know that I'm ready and I'd be the happiest/luckiest girl alive.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, June 2nd, 2006

Subject:Getting better, but still missing...
Posted by:ssjgohan103.
Time:9:34 pm.
So it's not longer the month of my birthday, which for is slightly depressing for some odd reason. I don't feel 21 at all. Maybe when I get back.... But it is the month of Lauren's birthday!!! 7 days hon! One week till you're in your twenties!! No longer a true teenager! How's it feel?
Anyway, yesterday was pretty average until after dinner, but I'll get to that. We started out at a really boring hotel full of busts of people I don't know or care about. It went by fast though so that was nice. After that we went to a tower that had been converted to a restaurant. Harvey(the professor) was only explaining it to us but the guy in the restaurant was really excited to see us all there. I think he thought we were gonna eat there. Oh well. After that we went to a church which was very deceiving. It was small and kinda plain on the outside but when we went inside we found out it was huge! I got a bunch of pictures so you can see what it looked like. After that I finally gave in a went to McDonalds with some of the other people in my group. Much to my surprise, it was very disappointing. There were only about 5 things to choose from, it was highly overpriced and it wasn't that good(at least not as good as mcdonalds at home). After that I went back to the hotel and read my book for a while. Then Adam, Jess and Justine invited me to dinner so we went to a restaurant. The food was good and the service was alright. I think the problem is that we are used to ordering, eating and leaving, but Italian people will finish eating and then sit and talk for an hour or so. You'd think restaurants would want to bring in more money but they are really slow about bringing the check. Anyway, after that Adam and I went back to the room to rest for a bit, but then a bunch of people invited us to a Jazz club. I didn't really want to go but decided "what the hell" and went anyway.
I'm so glad I did. The band was PHENOMENAL! They played Chicago-style jazz and I could not believe the talents of these musicians. I would have payed 20 bucks to see a concert of theirs at Schlow but instead I got to see them for free! It was truly amazing. Of course, nothing could top that so we all just went back to the hotel and went to sleep.

Ugh. Today was abismal. Okay, it wasn't that bad but a lot of things went bad. We usually start around 9:30 in the morning but because they were celebrating their independance day, Harvey decided to start at 1:15. It was definitely nice to sleep in for once. It was cool but not cold so I decided to forego the sweatshirt(a mistake I regretted later). We took the metro to Flo-something and as soon as we saw the sky we saw that it was pouring. Not only was it pouring, it was HAILING. So I bought a small umbrella(which turned out to be a rip-off cause it started falling apart about an hour later) for five euros and we went and waited under an overhang until it stopped about 5 minutes later. From there we saw an Marcus Aurelis' Column and a few other things until we made our way to the Pantheon. I was excited because I had just read about it in "Angels & Demons" by Dan Brown and I wanted to see how accurate he was. Also, I was freezing cold, being outside in the rain in a t-shirt and everything. Unfortunately, we arrived only to find that it was closed for their Independance Day. Apparently a lot of other people were surprised too because the overhang on the front of the Pantheon was packed full of people. So I got a sandwich(7 bucks and it sucked) and waited for Harvey to figure out what to do. He decided to go see another obelisk and then he took us to the bus stop so we could get back to the hotel. We caught a bus that was fairly crowded, but at the next stop it got worse. The Blue Loop at 3:30 had NOTHING on this bus. We were packed in like sardines but I got the idea that people were used to it. We finally got to Termini(the bus station closest to our hotel) and Andy and I walked back while the others that used the bus(some had got a taxi, others had walked, oddly we got there before all of them) went somewhere else. I read for a bit and then tried to find some postcards, remembered everything was closed and settled for getting some dinner. Pizza here is nothing like in the US. You can't get just a slice of cheese pizza. Everything is gourmet. You can get ham, turkey, pork, sausage, SALAD pizza, MACARONI AND CHEESE pizza, practically anything. It's crazy. Anyway, I got some pizza with sliced sausage on it and a pepsi. Then I went back to my room and read until now when I came here to write to you.
Man, I can't believe that I still have more than week until I get to see you, but then I remember that a week has gone by and I feel better. I really wish you would write more about what you're up to, but hey, it's your journal :) . I really miss you. I spend all day just thinking about you and playing with my bracelet(I've been wearing it religiously). I think you'll have to make me a new one though cause it's starting to fall apart :) . I'm going to call you tomorrow. I love you so much. Bye!!!
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Thursday, June 1st, 2006

Posted by:ssjgohan103.
Time:9:01 pm.
Jason is...safe. I protect him from myself. He hates the darker side of me, so I try and reign it in as much as possible. my arm with all of the scars...he can barely stand to look at it. When I get in one of those moods where I'm so black inside I can barely see, I tell him I'm tired and I go to bed. Its because when I feel like that, he calls me selfish, and he gets scared of what he thinks I might do. (lol not to him, to myself). In a way, Jason is the only man I've allowed to get close to me. But in another way, I keep him out. He has little tolerance for anxiety or depression, and sometimes his attitude about it makes it worse.

You once promised me that you wouldn't stay with me just because you were comfortable with it or you didn't want to be alone. If the only reason I'm in your life is because I'm safe then maybe you should rethink your stance on our relationship. I was surprised to read your entry. I really thought that after all the times you said you loved me and made me promise not to stay because I was comfortable that meant that you felt the same way. I really miss you Lauren and I still want to be with you. I know the way I see the world is a little harsh sometimes, but I can work on that if you want me too. Just please don't hide yourself from me because you think I'll be angry or disturbed.
And honestly, I've never looked at your scars with disgust, just curiosity. I've never been able to understand the motivation behind it and I'm not sure I ever will, but I do know that I'll always be there for you to talk to if you need it. I love you Lauren, just please remember that.
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Wednesday, May 31st, 2006

Subject:Bad Night/Weird Night
Posted by:ssjgohan103.
Time:6:27 pm.
So today was not so great. Especially not at night. We started out going to a museum, which was nice but it got boring really fast(others thought the same) and then we went and saw one of the first Roman apartment buildings, which was kinda cool.
After that I basically just sat in my room and finished my book. The ending was really good, very good actually. Very Stephen King. After that I had nothing to do so I took a couple shots of my Vodka(this was around 7:30) and watched tv. After half an our I was halfway to being drunk so I went outside and had a cigarette(I was really bored). The cigarette got me pretty high for about 5 minutes. I was having trouble remembering things I had done 10 seconds after I had done them(it's actually kind of cool to look at a pack of cigarettes and not know how they got into your hand, very Mementoish). I was getting extremely depressed so I went back inside, realized I had forgotten my keys in my room and asked the desk clerk to let me in. He gave me his keys and I when I got to my room I realized that my keys were actually in my pocket. By this time I was very very depressed, seeing as I had talked to you and reaffirmed just how much I miss you and home and I was drunk and slightly high. I decided to rest and fell asleep till about 10:30. Then I woke up still depressed but no longer inebriated. I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't stop thinking about how much I missed you and how much Rome sucks(and yes it does) and how much I hated everything about it. Whenever anyone says Italians are nice they are lying. The service here is deplorable and everyone is a jackass, especially the waiters. I haven't been to a restaurant with decent(not even good) service yet. So I finally fell asleep, had a nightmare about a car crash and a extremely disturbing exploding baby chicken(I'll explain more later but it was enough to wake me up). After that I fell asleep again and had my first Lucid Dream!! It was actually really cool. I'll describe it in detail on the phone but the coolest part was saying to mom "wait a second, I'm dreaming. I'm still in bed in the hotel" and her actually replying with "yes, you're dreaming". Really cool stuff.

Today was definitely much better. We saw an enormous roman bath to start, then went on to the Circus Maximus and finally some old apartment buildings and a few arches. Then I went to lunch with some of the people in the group, got a book in a bookstore(Angels and Demons) and went to a small park with Nicole and Justine to read. After that we went to the ATM and a Tabbachi for stamps. Then we went and saw one of the churches that is in the book I'm reading. Finally we went back to the hotel, I read for a bit and then came here. Sorry this is kinda short but I'm meeting them for dinner and then a cafe for some wine in about 15 minutes.

I can't tell you how much I wish you were here right now. It pretty much sucks balls without you(excuse the extremely dumb words). I love you very very much and I can't believe I still have 1 1/2 weeks till I get to come home. Ugh. I love you, I'll call soon. Bye!
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Monday, May 29th, 2006

Subject:The Day After....
Posted by:ssjgohan103.
Time:8:03 pm.
I read the stuff in our journal and I'd love to write my response but I'm almost out of coins so I'm going to call you tomorrow and just tell you!

Okay so overall, my birthday wasn't bad, but it was definitely the worst birthday I've ever had(through no fault of your own so I don't wanna hear any "I'm Sorry's"). Started out going to the Catacombs, I told you about them, then we came back into the city and saw an arch, then the pyrimad, then we headed back to the hotel. I had lunch at a pizzeria with Jason, Brett and Jason's girlfriend. The food was good so that's nothing to complain about. Then it was just reading until 8:30 when me and about 5 other people went down to the "Colosseum PubCrawl". Basically, a bunch of Americans meet outside of the colosseum and drink(free drinks) until about 10 when they start the crawl to about 5 different bars. It's pretty evident that it's a racket but it's discounted alcohol so I don't think anyone cares. I didn't have to pay for the admission fee though cause it was my birthday, so that was cool. Anyway, I had a good time until we went to the first bar.
I'm gonna say right now that the only reason I will ever go to a bar is to see live music. I've learned that I do not like bars. Period. I think I was there maybe 5 minutes before I decided I was not a "bar kind of person". I told Andy and he said it was cool and helped me figure out where we were so I could walk back to the hotel. The walk back was actually really nice. It was cool out and there weren't that many people.
When I got back Adam, his girlfriend and her roommate were in my room but when I got there his girlfriend and the roomie left. That was cool with me, but about 5 minutes later they came back with a little bit of cake and some cookies for me for my birthday. It was really nice of them but I really hate being felt sorry for, and I think that's how they felt. We four sat in the room and talked for about an hour and then they left and we went to sleep.
Overall, like I said, not a bad birthday, just the worst one I've ever had.

Today we had to go out around 9:30 and catch the metro to the Roman Forum. I thought that place was really cool. I think it would have looked amazing when everything wasn't fallen down. I took a lot of pictures so I'll show them to you when I get back. After that we took a break for lunch and Christina and I went to a restaurant for lunch. I'm not sure if the service here sucks everywhere or if it was just that we're Americans, but it's been pretty bad almost everywhere we go. Anyways, after that we went to Palistate Hill. It's the place where all the senators and really important people lived. It was actually really interesting. They had a private sports complex that was amazing and all the homes were laid out and everything.
After that we came back to the hotel. I made plans with Danny and Sean to go to dinner and then a movie at 6:30 but they never showed up, so I went and got my ticket for the movie, got a sandwich, read my book a bit and now I'm writing to you! Overall I feel pretty good about today(except for the getting stoodup part). I'm gonna call you tomorrow! I can't wait! We're definitely gonna talk about what you wrote in your email and livejournal. I love you so much and I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE A BREAK!!!!! If I did I would tell you, trust me. I love you, Lauren. I'll talk to you tomorrow(yay!).
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Sunday, May 28th, 2006

Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:12:23 am.
I miss you.

I wish you'd email me, or post online, or respond to SOMETHING. your dad called me today and asked me to email you and tell you to 'get a damn phone card for chrissakes.' so...there's the message.

I fucking depressed as hell right now...I dropped leesh and brian off at a bar and now...
well, now I'm picturing the nights when I have nothing to do but sit and wait for you to get home. I'm thinking of you out drinking bottles of wine with Christina and who knows who else, and I think of me sitting here writing to you, and I start to cry.

I want to be everything you ever wanted or needed, but I know I'm not, and I hate it. I hate feeling like I'm holding you back, like you're only with me because you haven't tasted anything better yet.

Jesus...you haven't even been gone for a week. Hell, you've only really been gone for THREE FUCKING DAYS and I'm already thinking "is he coming home yet?" and "when the hell is Jason getting back?"

lol but I've made up my mind. I think you should be in a band and let me be your manager :) I can do it! I can separate work from a love life, because we both know I'd be a damn good manager. it sucks...I see you play, see Lay Waste play, and I really want to be involved somehow. I feel so passionately about music, but I don't play well enough to be in a band.

::sigh:: what the hell...I know it'd never happen. at most I'd help you find gigs until you got signed and then you'd find a REAL manager. I guess the most I'd ever be was a groupie with an all-inclusive backstage pass. or a roadie...

which, honestly, would be a satisfying job for me. I'd be content as long as you were making enough money to actually support us. I just worry, because lately I'm not sure there's anything you're passionate about. I mean, you love music but you don't practice and it isn't a top priority...and it IS a top priority for the other guys in the band. I don't want you to lose that opportunity because you spent too much time laying in bed and watching TV with me. You're in school, but do you really want to be? I mean, you're getting a degree because you think you need one, but what if its just wasting time and distracting you from what you should really be doing? It sounds so strange coming from me...but have you ever thought of taking a year off and going balls-to-the-wall after this music thing? If it didn't pan out or you didn't like it you can always go back to school. I just feel like if you got your degree, went to grad school, and became a school counselor you'd be settling. some day you'd realized that and hate it.

I also want us to hang out with people more. as the two of us, not as a couple (i.e a single unit), but as two friends who like to hang out. I feel like when we're around other people we just focus on each other and don't speak to anyone else. I wanna hang out with the guys in your band and see you talk to them, and have them talk to me...not just sit in the corner listening in on THEIR conversations. but I still want to be around you...I don't want to have you go to the bars and me hang out with other people, because I love just HANGING OUT with you. you're my best damn friend! but there seems to be this line between the Jason who's my boyfriend and the Jason who's my friend...the Jason who's my boyfriend doesn't talk to anybody else, doesn't joke around even with me, and cares about nothing but being with me. The Jason who's my best friend loves heavy metal and walking around at night and drinking SoCo, he jokes around with everybody and tickles me and makes fun of me, asks me how I am, makes plans with me instead of assuming we'll be together...
I wish I knew how to get you to realize that those two sides of you CAN meet and CAN meld into one person. You're allowed to have music be number one, Jas. I don't mind being number two, because what I find most attractive is talent and passion (and drive.)

I'm gonna go...I'm exhausted and not making any sense. I'm not even sure you'll read this, and if you do I don't know that you'll care or respond. (btw I really wish you'd just let me know that you read this, so I'm not wondering for the next 2.5 weeks...)

I love you, boo boo. Happy birthday! I can't believe you're 21...I've been giving you birthday presents since you were 15! remember when I took you to Charlies in the mall and gave you a gift bag full of CDs I'd made for you? I liked that...
I wish we could get back to more thoughtful presents instead of just buying eachother things from our wishlists.

::sigh:: there I go again...off on a tangent that doesn't actually make a difference. please, call me or email me or comment here. I miss you like crazy and if nothing else want to know that you're okay so I can tell your parents not to worry.

I love you.
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Saturday, May 27th, 2006

Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:7:29 pm.
it's your birthday there, but I'm not saying it until it's your birthday here where you were born :) makes sense, right?

I miss you. I wish you'd call or write or update or SOMETHING...not hearing from you at all is pure torture.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, May 26th, 2006

Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:7:57 pm.
I can't stand that you're not sitting on the couch asking me to come cuddle you right now.

I can't stand that you're six hours ahead of me...I feel like I'm losing time with you before I even have it.

come home. I'll be waiting.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

Subject:bad day
Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:12:02 pm.
Mood: working.
today and yesterday have been hell for me, and I think you've noticed. I haven't been handling anything well, but I've been trying so hard not to take it out on you at all.

last night I couldn't sleep - laid awake until around five this morning. then something woke both of us up around six, and Sasha was still having issues and going on the floor, and I couldn't take it. Especially after the whole thing with the transcript and wondering all night how I was going to handle it...

I wasn't crying this morning until you wouldn't hug me. I was upset because I didn't know what to do with Sasha, and because you seemed to take over yelling at her, throwing things at her etc. etc. YOU were the one that said "Take the fucking cat back while I'm at work," so I thought that was what you wanted.

well, I'm not going to. in all likelihood I'll just get more and more attached and then either the landlord or my parents will take her away, but I'm not just going to give her up. I've made an appointment for her tomorrow at 3 to see the vet, get her last few shots, and see if they can figure out why she is, for lack of a better term, shitting her brains out all the time.

I wasn't ready to give up on us, either, but this morning when I stood there only wanting a hug and you snapped at me, I knew you didn't want to touch me...didn't even want to look at me. I just knew, so I turned away. Then you made some comment like "ok fine. give up." and I broke down, because I feel like YOU'RE the one giving up on us. I've been trying, and I know I've been hard to deal with but we both have our days and weeks when we're not fit to be around people.

After I dropped you off at Cassandra's, I was thinking "at least he still loves me," when it finally hit me. I remembered everything you'd said the night before about Brian not telling Leeshi he isn't in love with her...that he isn't, but he's afraid to hurt her. That he doesn't want to feel guilty if she does something to herself. Actually, you said "he doesn't want her to quit her job and stop going to school and hurt herself." That's funny, because she doesn't have a job. I do. She isn't in school. I am. She doesn't cut herself. I do.

Were you a bit confused?

Did you say more than you meant to?

Is that how you feel? It must be, because how else could you have interpreted Brian's actions that way? Why else would you agree so easily to going on a break, and why, when I'm at my most depressed, would you decide to start our break NOW? It's because you AREN'T in love with me anymore, and you just don't have the balls to say it to me yet.

At least, that's how it seems. Feel free to correct me.

But just so you know, I'm not going to kill myself if you leave me. I'm not going to quit my job and stop going to school. You may think I'm weak and cowardly, but I'm stronger than that.

I love you, with all of my heart, but if you broke up with me I wouldn't kill myself, because that would give you too much satisfaction. "I was right. She really was crazy and obseessed and out of her fucking mind."

well, I'm not. I'm depressed, I have anxiety attacks, I fucked up a semester in school, and you and I are having problems, but overall I'm doing so well right now.

I've quit drugs, I exercise, I've been dieting in a HEALTHY fashion, I'm doing a lot of work at work, and doing a damn good job at it, and I'm really looking forward to the classes I've scheduled this summer and fall. I'm looking forward to Martha's Vineyard and the Outer Banks (although I probably won't be going with you anymore, I WAS looking forward to it.) I'm becoming a better person by being more open and honest, not hiding behind drugs, and trying to face my issues with depression rather than using them as an excuse.

I feel like you don't see that. I feel like all you ever see in me is the negative. You're right...there's a lot of negative there. But there's a lot of positive, too. For starters, I love you more than anyone else ever will. I support you and am there for you, I try to do things that you'll have fun doing, we have so much fun together...

but you never think of that when you're mad at me. All you think about is how much you don't respect me, how I'm the antithesis of everything you value in a human being.

...except that you're wrong. I'm better than you think I am, but I'm sick of trying to prove it to you. I'm not keeping Sasha to show you that I can stick to something, I'm keeping Sasha because I WANT to stick with something. I'm not going to abandon her because things got tough. No matter how much she shits on the floor or wakes me up when I'm exhausted or meows when I'm reading or scratches my arm, I still love her. I love when she cuddles me, I love how she chases ANYTHING, I love how she drinks out of the sink, and follows me everywhere. She's beautiful. I love when she sits on my lap and watches me type.

Bottom line, it may be a mistake, it may make my life harder, but I'm not going to give up on her just because things fucking suck right now. For someone who talks so much about responsibility and dedication and hard work and sticking to something, you seem awfully eager to give up on me.

If you don't love me any more...if you aren't in love with me, by all means, end it. You should, because I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who isn't in love with me. But if you're just doing this because its easier, because things are hard and you can't handle it, take a step back and think about what you're giving up.

EDIT: did you see the funny typo? I acidentally said "obsEEssed" but I left it because it made me smile. are you smiling about it yet?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, January 23rd, 2006

Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:10:59 pm.
so, here's the second crazy update in this thing in one day... sorry!

I'm sort of depressed right now and having a bad day anyway, so I apologize in advance if this seems out of line.
Also, it's about sex! :-D (but not really in a good way...so boo...)

Here's the thing: for a while, you and I were having quite frequent, quite amazing sex. And yes, I mean amazing. Except that since classes started, and since you started getting more hours at work...well...we haven't. At all. I mean, you leave at eight in the morning and you come home at midnight only to leave again at eight the next morning. You're too tired or have too much homework or have to get up too early in the morning, and while I understand all of that, I'm a stupid girl and can't help but feel...unattractive. You always tell me how beautiful and sexy and attractive you think I am - and even though I don't agree with you it's nice to hear, - but when you don't actually do anything about it, it just seems like so many empty words.

For instance, for our anniversary I got you the sexiest things I could find, and we have yet to actually use them (except for the chocolate body paint... :-D ). It just doesn't seem normal for me to walk around in front of you in heels and stockings and garters and black lace underwear and a black lace bra from victoria's secret and for you to tell me you're going to watch TV. That really hurt. And I'm on a diet and have been doing yoga, but do I have to lose thirty pounds for you to have sex with me? If you aren't attracted to me then we shouldn't be in this relationship, because while it isn't everything a mutual attraction is a vital part of a healthy relationship. And I love you so much that if you wanted me to diet for two years until I was 100 lbs I'd do it. So, let me know? Because I am trying to lose weight, but it doesn't help that when I'm around you I feel like a fat, ugly, frumpy piece of shit who can't even get her boyfriend to fuck her.

sorry if that was all too blunt...but I had to say it, and we both know that when I try and discuss things like this with you you just kiss me and tell me how hot you think I am and not to worry about it.

Well, now you actually have to respond. so there! (can you see me sticking my tongue out? 'cause I am.)

off to bed - zoe says goodnight too.
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Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:8:00 pm.
Mood: weird.
so, I suck. 'cause I can't stand people who are SO FUCKING ATTACHED and then I go and act like one of those people. :-D ooops.
[that is my ineffective way of apologizing for being really weird today.]

anyway, come over after work tomorrow night if you want. (I won't kick you out...if you're nice!)
Zoe misses you...she's sitting on your end of the couch looking confused. I keep telling her that you did NOT chose video games over us but she doesn't believe me. ;) (kidding! relax, silly.)

short, pointless post made even shorter:
sometimes I think you're the only person who actually understands me, when I don't even understand myself.

sorry if that scares you, hun, but there you have it. *shrug*

PS: love! (I was yelling it in my head)
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Tuesday, January 17th, 2006

Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:10:25 pm.
so much for no secrets.

how can you expect me to be completely open and honest with you if you refuse to do the same with me - if you openly and deliberately go against that?
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Sunday, January 8th, 2006

Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:1:08 pm.

thanks for putting up with me last night. I was pretty annoying, I'm sure.

also, thanks for being so trusting and tolerand and dependable in general. I don't deserve it.

does your dad want a beta fish? as it, a BRUISER type beta-fish? I don't think I have time to really take care of him (meaning I'm too fucking lazy to clean out the tank as much as I should and I'm positive that this semester I'll start to forget to do it.) he can have the tank and all of the equipment and the food and the extra filters and the water treatment stuff too.

lemme know.

and hey guess what...
I love you.
(off to watch Mission: Impossible, since you told me I had to.)
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Wednesday, December 21st, 2005

Posted by:ssjgohan103.
Time:5:07 pm.
I know that you would never cheat on me with anyone, much less my brother. My problem is that most of the time when we three are together I feel like you would rather spend time with him then with me. I'm sorry.
I don't mean to seem depressed or angry or anything. I've just been really stressed out for the past month or so and it's really starting to wear me down.
It makes me feel really good that as we come up to our 5th anniversary, you would tell me how much it means to me. In the past these kind of times sometimes brought up ideas of what could have been and I'm glad you thought of me. I hope we can be together for our 50th anniversary down the line somewhere. :)
I'm going to try my best to get a phone card but I have almost literally zero dollars. I'll see what I can do. Although if I can't find money for a card, I'll still call you while I'm gone, just with shorter phone calls.
You really don't have to worry about me while I'm down in Miami. I've never done anything you would be mad or sad about and I never will, no matter how inebriated I am. I must say though that it makes me feel really good when you're concerned like that. :)
Now I'm gonna go fill out that survey! I love you muchly!


PS: I'm gonna play with your hair a lot more now ;)!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:9:19 am.
Mood: mellow.
Hey sweetie. It's been awhile since we've used this, but I'm at work at eight in the fucking morning and have been thinking about some things and here I am.

- You need to trust more. Trust me, trust Brian, and trust in your own ability to keep me from cheating on you. You're a wonderful boyfriend, a wonderful friend, and I wouldn't give that up for the world. Brian is your brother and he loves you. Hell, you've been best friends since birth. He wouldn't betray that, okay? And yes, I do understand your issues with the whole thing, but I tend to not think of it from that perspective, so I need you to keep reminding me. (i.e. since in my mind there's no possibility of anything happening, I never see it from the eyes of someone concerned about it, and I don't see how certain things can look or come accross.) I think a huge part of it stems from the fact that Brian and I don't act like "normal" friends. Believe me, I've tried to figure out how the hell to define the relationship on several occasions, and the best that I can come up with is that we're like brother and sister to each other. Now, would you sleep with Les or Megs? NO! The though probably makes you a little sick, too. Well, that's how Brian and I feel. Okay?

- You've seemed depressed lately, and I'm not sure why, but I'd like to help. However, I can only help if you're willing to talk to me about it. I get this feeling of anger and depression from you almost constantly when we're alone, but you're covering it up and not talking to me. STOP IT! *grin* I know you're the psych major but I've been known to be decent at listening, right? I just want you to be happy, and you know I'll do everything in my power to make that happen if you only tell me how.

- We're coming up on our five year anniversary soon, and it's got me thinking a lot about us - the past, the future, etc. Well, the past is over and done with, but I'd like to say that you've given me some of the greatest moments of my life. As for the bad parts, we both have our fair share of the blame, but I'm offering a general apology for being so controling and posessive one year and wanting to date other people the next. I was fairly confused (who wasn't at 17 and 18?) and I treated you like shit in the process of trying to figure myself out. I'm sorry for that. But we managed to stay together through it all (even if we did break up a lot!)... I think that goes to show that this thing can really last. So, as we approach our anniversary what I'd like to say most is thank you.

- I'm going to miss you like crazy while we're gone over christmas, especially since we can't really talk on the phone. I have no money left, not even in my bank account, so I can't pay for a phone card. This is me BEGGING you to find cash somehow and buy a long distance phone card. I don't want to have to go an entire week without even speaking to you, since I won't even have a computer to email you from. (plan on half an hour a day for seven days, so fucking 210 minutes MINIMUM plus all of the connection charges etc...so get a 500 minute card? they sell them for one cent a minute at House of Kashmir etc, so it wouldn't be more than $5 or $10. If the long distance ones are more expensive, maybe borrow money from your dad and I'll pay you back when I get my paycheck? Speaking of that, it would be fantastic if you could lend me the money for some of the cable/internet bill. It's due on January 3rd, and I don't know if my paycheck will clear by then, or even if I'll have it by then. :(

- When you go to Miami, have fun, but please don't do anything that would hurt me, okay? You're going to be around a bunch of friends having the time of their lives and things could get fairly interesting. Please think of me? I'm going to distract myself by spending as much time with Leeshi as physically possible that weekend, but she will have just gotten back from Philly so Brian will probably be a priority. So, bottom line is that I'll try and not sit around worrying and obsessing about you and what you're doing but you know me, so try and be sympathetic and keep in touch and behave as if I were only a mile or so away instead of all the way up in fucking Pennsylvania. :-D I trust you, I just don't trust drugs and alcohol quite as much.

- I don't really have a last point...I just wanted to say that I love you, and I miss you right now. (we're only about four blocks away...) my shirt smells like you, so I keep looking down and inhaling and thinking I'm in bed with you curled up against your side and stroking your chest while you play with my hair. Haven't you figured out by now that the easiest way turn me on is simply by playing with my hair? It's like a fucking button, and it's annoying because if ANYONE does it it works. i.e. when Amy or Leeshi play with my hair, I keep thinking god I need Jason here now...FUCK!. okay, enough of that, since I can't see you for three more hours.

hey one more thing, so I guess I should follow the same format...
- appreciate what you have with Brian. Every time I see you two together I get this big grin on my face but I also get a little bit sad, because I could have had that but it was taken away from me. Believe me, your relationship with him is one of the most important relationships in your life, because not only is he your brother, he's your TWIN brother and he's your best friend (tied with me, I hope?). It's really none of my business, but fuck it I'll say it any way: take care of your friendship with him, because at the moment it seems delicate, and it would be the mistake of your life to lose it.

that's really all now.
I love you, I'll see you in a little bit, and PLEASE WRITE BACK? I know you can just talk to me but I like things in writing :-D

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Monday, December 12th, 2005

Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:12:50 pm.
I don't flirt with guys.
I don't make sex jokes with my friends about other guys.
I don't even hang OUT with guys other than Brian and the guys I work with anymore.
And I made a joke about a threesome with Leeshi because it wasn't so much a joke about a threesome as a joke about how rediculous we were at that point in our lives. I mean, c'mon...Arts Fest, drugs, brand new friendship, and we were talking about it and joking about it and having a blast. I still joke about it because it reminds me of that time over summer when I honestly didn't have a care in the world other than spending time with friends and reading romance novels. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A THREESOME. ESPECIALLY not with anyone other than you. Is that clear, Jason? I don't understand how this is a betrayal. It was a damn JOKE. You know me, Jas. You know I'll love you forever no matter what happens, and you know that sometimes especially under the influence, I act like a guy and make crude jokes. But I don't mean ANY of it. If I did I would have acted on it by now. If five years of being faithful to you and being a good girlfriend and devoting my life to you isn't enough to proove that I love you and am going to stay with you and NEVER betray you, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm tiptoeing on glass with you right know and I don't know what to fucking do about it.

but I'll always love you...that's the one thing that will never change.
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Posted by:ssjgohan103.
Time:11:28 am.
I feel like Lauren is getting back into one of her "I am an independant woman and I can do what I want" moods. Like she wants to go out there and flirt with guys and make sex jokes with her friends about other guys. I don't know. When I'm out with friends I make an effort not to flirt with girls(like I could if I tried) and not joke about sex or sex with girls other than Lauren. I just thought that maybe Lauren would do the same but I guess that's not the case recently. She alway's gets mad at me for being around melissa(not even talking to her. As long as I'm around her, which is unavoidable, Lauren gets mad), but then she's out there flirting with guys and talking to crushes online and making jokes about threesomes with Leeshi. I kinda feel betrayed, but what can I do. Oh well. That's enough of this. I have a lot of problems in my life right now and writing about them isn't going to fix them so I'm done.
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Saturday, November 26th, 2005

Posted by:ssjgohan103.
Time:5:33 pm.
I love you damnit!!! Grrr... I love you a whole freakin lot Lauren Kern!!!! I want to make love to you several times tonight. Then I want to fuck you. Fuck you hard!!!! Go sex with Lauren!!!
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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005

Posted by:shockfactor.
Time:11:20 pm.
Dearest darling Jason -

I love you.
I adore you.
You're hot.
You're sexy.
I am going to miss you SO MUCH during this weekend. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!
You are required to call me at least once a day.
also, hang out with Brian. He's fun and he'll be hiding all weekend if you don't drag him out of the apartment. Or if all else fails, hide with him!

I'm leaving tomorrow at around noon, and I need the duffel bag back before I gan pack!!!

I love you - remember that. I'm also very high, okay? And also, I'm sorry about the past week or so. We've both been horrible to each other and bad at communication.

back to cuddling you :)

Love, kisses, and all that mushy stuff
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