Lauren (shockfactor) wrote in lvkjms,

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bad day

today and yesterday have been hell for me, and I think you've noticed. I haven't been handling anything well, but I've been trying so hard not to take it out on you at all.

last night I couldn't sleep - laid awake until around five this morning. then something woke both of us up around six, and Sasha was still having issues and going on the floor, and I couldn't take it. Especially after the whole thing with the transcript and wondering all night how I was going to handle it...

I wasn't crying this morning until you wouldn't hug me. I was upset because I didn't know what to do with Sasha, and because you seemed to take over yelling at her, throwing things at her etc. etc. YOU were the one that said "Take the fucking cat back while I'm at work," so I thought that was what you wanted.

well, I'm not going to. in all likelihood I'll just get more and more attached and then either the landlord or my parents will take her away, but I'm not just going to give her up. I've made an appointment for her tomorrow at 3 to see the vet, get her last few shots, and see if they can figure out why she is, for lack of a better term, shitting her brains out all the time.

I wasn't ready to give up on us, either, but this morning when I stood there only wanting a hug and you snapped at me, I knew you didn't want to touch me...didn't even want to look at me. I just knew, so I turned away. Then you made some comment like "ok fine. give up." and I broke down, because I feel like YOU'RE the one giving up on us. I've been trying, and I know I've been hard to deal with but we both have our days and weeks when we're not fit to be around people.

After I dropped you off at Cassandra's, I was thinking "at least he still loves me," when it finally hit me. I remembered everything you'd said the night before about Brian not telling Leeshi he isn't in love with her...that he isn't, but he's afraid to hurt her. That he doesn't want to feel guilty if she does something to herself. Actually, you said "he doesn't want her to quit her job and stop going to school and hurt herself." That's funny, because she doesn't have a job. I do. She isn't in school. I am. She doesn't cut herself. I do.

Were you a bit confused?

Did you say more than you meant to?

Is that how you feel? It must be, because how else could you have interpreted Brian's actions that way? Why else would you agree so easily to going on a break, and why, when I'm at my most depressed, would you decide to start our break NOW? It's because you AREN'T in love with me anymore, and you just don't have the balls to say it to me yet.

At least, that's how it seems. Feel free to correct me.

But just so you know, I'm not going to kill myself if you leave me. I'm not going to quit my job and stop going to school. You may think I'm weak and cowardly, but I'm stronger than that.

I love you, with all of my heart, but if you broke up with me I wouldn't kill myself, because that would give you too much satisfaction. "I was right. She really was crazy and obseessed and out of her fucking mind."

well, I'm not. I'm depressed, I have anxiety attacks, I fucked up a semester in school, and you and I are having problems, but overall I'm doing so well right now.

I've quit drugs, I exercise, I've been dieting in a HEALTHY fashion, I'm doing a lot of work at work, and doing a damn good job at it, and I'm really looking forward to the classes I've scheduled this summer and fall. I'm looking forward to Martha's Vineyard and the Outer Banks (although I probably won't be going with you anymore, I WAS looking forward to it.) I'm becoming a better person by being more open and honest, not hiding behind drugs, and trying to face my issues with depression rather than using them as an excuse.

I feel like you don't see that. I feel like all you ever see in me is the negative. You're right...there's a lot of negative there. But there's a lot of positive, too. For starters, I love you more than anyone else ever will. I support you and am there for you, I try to do things that you'll have fun doing, we have so much fun together...

but you never think of that when you're mad at me. All you think about is how much you don't respect me, how I'm the antithesis of everything you value in a human being.

...except that you're wrong. I'm better than you think I am, but I'm sick of trying to prove it to you. I'm not keeping Sasha to show you that I can stick to something, I'm keeping Sasha because I WANT to stick with something. I'm not going to abandon her because things got tough. No matter how much she shits on the floor or wakes me up when I'm exhausted or meows when I'm reading or scratches my arm, I still love her. I love when she cuddles me, I love how she chases ANYTHING, I love how she drinks out of the sink, and follows me everywhere. She's beautiful. I love when she sits on my lap and watches me type.

Bottom line, it may be a mistake, it may make my life harder, but I'm not going to give up on her just because things fucking suck right now. For someone who talks so much about responsibility and dedication and hard work and sticking to something, you seem awfully eager to give up on me.

If you don't love me any more...if you aren't in love with me, by all means, end it. You should, because I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who isn't in love with me. But if you're just doing this because its easier, because things are hard and you can't handle it, take a step back and think about what you're giving up.

EDIT: did you see the funny typo? I acidentally said "obsEEssed" but I left it because it made me smile. are you smiling about it yet?
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